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There were probably
good reasons why men were the ones who were out
hunting big game for dinner while their wives stayed
at home many centuries ago.
One reason is that men probably threw spears with a
little better velocity. Another is that women seem a
bit more comfortable in the midst of the emotional
turmoil that constitutes family life.
Things would be easier for fathers if they could just
leave or push a button when things got emotionally
messy. The truth is that most men don't want to deal
with a lot of maintenance when it comes to their
families. If the family's been doing well in the past
they feel it should continue to do well. They enjoy
being with their families when things are going
smoothly, but they struggle when there's emotional
turmoil.
And when there's emotional turmoil, men have a
tendency to "leave" emotionally.
While staying away from the emotional episodes in the
family would make it easier on fathers, it also tends
to keep your kids from really feeling accepted by you.
The message you give to your child is clear: I accept
you but only if you act or behave in a certain way. If
you don't behave in a way that I approve of, I don't
accept you. (Remember that this is the interpretation
made by a child.)
Fathers have all sorts of escapes that they can use
when they're uncomfortable with life at home,
including excessive working, TV watching, golfing, or
just puttering around the house. While these
activities can give fathers temporary relief, they
don't do anything about the major issue-their own
ability to handle the difficult times with their
children.
How you deal with these situations, and whether you
become more nurturing in general as a father, are
issues that will determine whether you have close
relationships with your children.
Since a high percentage of fathers say their own
fathers were emotionally absent for them when they
grew up, this is a difficult issue for many. When you
haven't been nurtured by your father, it's more
difficult to be nurturing to your children.
Many fathers simply haven't learned the skills.
While it's easy for fathers to show their love for
their kids when they're acting "good," problems can
occur if they don't show them they care when their
behavior is below par. This is often under the
mistaken assumption that if they nurture their
children or show they care while their kids are
struggling or crying, they'll encourage more of this
behavior in the future.
The problems can happen when your kids respond by
suppressing their "bad" feelings and lose an important
part of themselves. Emotionally well-rounded kids have
access to all of their feelings, not just the "good"
ones.
Nurturing fathers have learned to allow and accept all
of these feelings. This doesn't mean that you're
encouraging your kids to whine or cry. It's entirely
appropriate for you to kindly ask your child if they
can talk in a different voice when they're whining.
This is quite different from leaving whenever they
whine or harshly asking them to stop.
The difference is in how your child perceives your
acceptance of them while they're struggling, and this
perception is often quite accurate.
So how do you learn to be more nurturing and to be
more accepting of your "entire" child?
Here are some ideas:
"Figure out the pattern that now exists in which
you're falling short as a nurturing father. What are
your triggers? How do you react? Having enhanced
awareness is always a good place to start.
"When your kids are struggling, think in terms of what
your child needs. Notice how easily you can become
critical of your child. Consider a hug or positive
attention.
"Get to know the intimate details of your child's
life: who their friends are, what they do in recess at
school, their favorite toys, etc. The more you know
about them, the more likely they'll be to share
feelings with you.
"Find ways to nurture yourself. If you don't know how,
start to experiment. What is it that relaxes you and
has you feeling rejuvenated? Reading a book, time with
friends, or getting a massage might work. If you don't
know how to nurture yourself, it can be difficult to
know how to nurture someone else.
"Make a concrete plan for yourself. If you normally
avoid your daughter when she's whiny or crying, look
for opportunities to jump in and "be there" with her
during those times when she's not at her best.
Remember it's crucial that she knows you accept her,
in both good times and bad.
"Don't be surprised at the depth of the feelings that
are produced when you start to nurture. It can produce
shame, anger, and sadness in fathers who haven't had
much nurturing themselves. Consistent attention to
this will improve your skills and possibly have your
children wondering what happened to dad!
Fathers who continue to avoid their children when
they're not "behaving well" are missing out on a
chance to experience real closeness with their kids.
This is a learning opportunity that's simply disguised
as a pain in the rear.
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