My
five-year-old son and I were
finishing up a dinner at a small
restaurant recently. Nearby, a
father and his teenage son
embraced as they got up from
their table. "Isn't it nice that
that man and his son hugged?" I
asked him.
"Isn't that
what they're supposed to do?" he
shot back.
"Well, yes
they are, Michael, but it
doesn't always happen that way."
"Why not?"
he asked.
Indeed,
why not?
Fathers
have a responsibility to touch,
hug, and cuddle with their kids.
They have a responsibility to
know how important this is to
their child's development. And
they need to fight the taboo in
our society about males touching
each other and showing
affection.
It's
amazing to learn how many
fathers still have concerns
about turning their sons into
"wimps" or "mamas boys" if they
show them a lot of physical
affection. Most of these fathers
struggle with issues about
closeness from their own
families of origin. And when
boys haven't received physical
touch and nurturing from their
own fathers, they have a
difficult time giving it to
their own kids.
There are
a lot of reasons to give your
kids physical affection. Most of
you will see the day when your
kids experience the hormonal
explosion called the teen years.
And many of you have concerns
about how volatile that stage
will be. Are you interested in a
plan that will keep the teen
years for your kids as peaceful
as possible?
Here are
some ideas on how fathers can
use touch to benefit their kids
and to prepare for the teen
years:
. Have a
ritual of cuddling in the
morning with your kids, even if
for a short time. It's a great
way to reinforce your connection
with them before you start the
day. If you leave before they're
awake, you can do it when you
come home.
. Give
your kids back rubs, leg rubs,
or foot rubs. Help them learn
the wonders of touch and show
them the art of giving. You'll
end up on the receiving end of
some of these eventually!
. Wrestle
with your kids often. One of the
best ways for fathers to connect
with their kids is to get on the
floor and go at it. Make sure
you do this with your daughter
as well as your son-show her
that she's capable of handling
it.
. Try to
hug your kids at least twice a
day. When you establish
this pattern, you'll notice that
your kids will come to you for
hugs. If you notice that they
don't seem happy, always offer a
friendly hug. Don't take it
personally if they decline.
. If
you're married, show physical
affection to your wife. Your
kids are watching closely, so
show them how it's done.
. Commit
to hugging your kids through
their teen years. They may not
agree to this plan, but keep at
it! Let them know that you'd
like to hug them, and stay with
it through all the rolling eyes
and disgusted looks.
You
can't make them hug you, but you
can let them know you'd like to.
. Be
particularly aware of how you
respond to your teenage daughter
when she develops physically.
Many fathers are scared off when
they find themselves faced with
a daughter who's matured
sexually. She still needs you,
don't go away!
The most
effective way to ensure that
your kids pass through the teen
years smoothly is to create a
strong emotional bond with them
when they're young. Physical
touch with your kids is an
essential part of this emotional
bond. Your kids will thrive on
this touching, and so will you.
We live in
a society that doesn't encourage
touching and nurturing for men,
but we all need it. Your kids
need it, too.
This
Fathers Day, give your kids the
gift of touch.
And then
just keep on giving.