WHAT
ATTACHMENT PARENTING IS NOT
Attachment parenting is not a
new style of parenting. Attachment parenting is
one of the oldest ways of caring for babies. In fact,
it's the way that parents for centuries have taken
care of babies, until childcare advisors came on the
scene and led parents to follow books instead of their
babies. Picture your family on a deserted island and
you've just delivered a baby. There are no books,
advisors, or in-laws around to shower you with child
baby- tending advice. The baby B's of attachment
parenting would come naturally to you as they have
other cultures who have centuries more child-rearing
experience and tradition than all of us have.
Attachment parenting is not
indulgent parenting. You may hear or worry that
being nurturing and responsive to your baby's needs
might spoil your baby and set you up for being
manipulated manipulated by your baby. This is why we
stress that attachment parenting is responding
appropriately to your baby's needs, which means
knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no."
Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything
they need, it's easy for parents to give their
children everything they want.
Attachment parenting is a
question of balance –not being indulgent or
permissive, yet being attentive. As you and your baby
grow together, you will develop the right balance
between attentive, but not indulgent. In fact, being
possessive, or a "smother mother" (or father) is
unfair to the child, fosters an inappropriate
dependency on the parent, and hinders your child from
becoming normally independent. For example, you don't
need to respond to the cries of a seven-month-old baby
as quickly as you would a seven-day-old baby.
As your baby grows, you become
more expert in reading her cries, so you can gradually
delay your response. Say, for example, you are busy in
the kitchen and your seven-month-old is sitting and
playing nearby and cries to be picked up. Instead of
rushing to scoop your baby up, simply acknowledge your
baby and give your baby "it's okay" cues. Because you
and your baby are so connected, your baby can read
your body language and see that you're not anxious, so
you naturally give your baby the message, "No problem,
baby, you can handle this." In this way, you're being
a facilitator
, and because of your close
attachment you're actually better able to help your
baby delay gratification and ease into independence.
|
Attachment Tip:
"It's easier for me to say 'no' to my attachment-
parented child when she wants a lot of stuff,
because I know I have given her so much of
myself." |
Attachment parenting is not
permissive parenting.
not control a child.
Attachment parents become like gardeners:
you can't control the color of
the flower or the time of the year it blooms, but you
can pick the weeds and prune the plant so that the
flower blooms more beautifully. That's shaping.
Attachment parents become master behavior-shapers.
Attachment mothering is not
martyr mothering. Don't think that AP means baby
pulls mommy's string and she jumps. Because of the
mutual sensitivity that develops between attached
parents and their attached children, parents' response
time can gradually lengthen as mother enables the
older baby to discover that he does not need instant
gratification. Yes, you give a lot of yourself in
those early months, but you get back a lot more in
return. Attachment-parenting is the best investment
you'll ever make -- the best long- term investment
you'll ever make, in your child, and yourselves.
"Won't a mother feel tied
down by constant baby-tending?"
Mothers do need baby breaks.
This is why shared parenting by the father and other
trusted caregivers is important. But with attachment
parenting, instead of feeling tied down, mothers feel
tied together with their babies. Attachment mothers we
interviewed described their feelings: "I feel so
connected with my baby." "I feel right when with her,
not right when we're apart." "I feel fulfilled."
Remember, too, that attachment
parenting, by mellowing a child's behavior, makes it
easier to go places with your child. You don't have to
feel tied down to your house or apartment and a
lifestyle that includes only babies.
Attachment parenting is not
hard.
Attachment parenting may
sound like one big give-a-thon. Initially, there is a
lot of giving. This is a fact of new parent life.
Babies are takers, and parents are givers. One of the
payoffs you will soon experience of attachment
parenting is one we call mutual giving – the more you
give to your baby, the more baby gives back to you.
This is how you grow to enjoy your child and feel more
competent as a parent. Remember, your baby is not just
a passive player in the parenting game. The infant
takes an active part in shaping your attitudes,
helping you make wise decisions as you become an
astute baby-reader.
Attachment parenting may
sound difficult, but in the long run it's actually
the easiest parenting style. What is "hard" about
parenting is the feeling "I just don't know what my
baby wants" or "I just can't seem to get through to
her." If you feel you really know your baby and have a
handle on the relationship, parenting is easier and
more relaxed. There is great comfort in feeling
connected to your baby. Attachment parenting is the
best way we know to get connected. True, this style of
parenting takes a tremendous amount of patience and
stamina, but it's worth it. Attachment parenting early
on makes later parenting easier, not only in infancy
but in childhood and teenage years. The ability to
read and respond to your baby, carries over into the
ability to get behind the eyes of your growing child
and see things from her point of view. When you truly
know your child, parenting is easier at all ages.
Attachment parenting is not
rigid. On the contrary, it has options and is very
flexible. Attachment mothers speak of a flow between
themselves and their baby; a flow of thoughts and
feelings that help a mother pull from her many options
the right choice at the right time when confronted
with the daily "what do I do now?" baby-care
decisions. The connected pair mirror each other's
feelings. The baby perceives himself by how the mother
reflects his value. This insight is most noticeable in
the mother's ability to get behind the eyes of her
child and read her child's feelings during discipline
decisions. One day our two-year-old, Lauren,
impulsively grabbed a carton of milk out of the
refrigerator and spilled it on the floor. As Lauren
was about to disintegrate, Martha mellowed out the
situation and preserved the fragile feelings of a
sensitive child and prevented the angry feelings of
inconvenienced parents. When I asked how she managed
to handle things so calmly, she said, "I asked myself
if I were Lauren, how would I want my mother to
respond?"
Attachment parenting is not
spoiling a child.
. New parents ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot,
responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even
sleeping with our baby create an overly dependent
manipulative child?" Our answer is an emphatic no. In
fact, both experience and research have shown the
opposite. Attachment fosters independence. Attachment
parenting implies responding appropriately to your
baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately.
The spoiling theory began in the early part of this
century when parents turned over their intuitive
childrearing to "experts"; unfortunately, the
childcare thinkers at the time advocated restraint and
detachment (i.e., formulas for childcare), along with
scientifically produced artificial baby milk –
"formula" for feeding babies. They felt that if you
held your baby a lot, fed on cue, and responded to
cries, you would spoil and create a clingy, dependent
baby. There was no scientific basis to this spoiling
theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would
like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to
spoil forever.
Research has finally proven
what mothers have long suspected: You cannot spoil a
baby by attachment. Spoiling means leaving
something alone, such as putting food on the shelf to
spoil. The attachment style of parenting does not mean
overindulgence or inappropriate dependency. The
possessive parent,
or "hover mother," is one who keeps an infant from doing
what he needs to do because of her own insecure needs.
This has a detrimental effect on both the infants and
the parents. Attachment differs from prolonged
dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged
dependency will hinder development.