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Stop Yelling
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How I Stopped Yelling
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by
Tamara Eberlein |
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Hollering had practically become my normal speaking
voice. I didn't like it, and my children were tuning
me out. But, I found, there were lots of ways to get
them to behave without it.
When my twins were babies, I never yelled. Who could
feel angry at tiny infants cooing in their cribs? But
as they approached the terrible twos, my voice grew
gradually louder. They'd make mischief; I'd say "No."
They'd go right on misbehaving; I'd say "No" more
vehemently. Then one day I caught them soaking huge
wads of toilet paper in the toilet and flinging them
against the wall. I lost it. Vocal cord volume at max,
I bellowed, "Cut it out or I'll put you in the potty!"
By the time my third child was born, the twins were 24
months, and just about every day included a self-bred
tempest or two.
Sometimes it was a matter of survival. I'd have the
baby in my arms, a toddler clinging to my ankles, and
another toddler running toward the road. What mother
wouldn't shout? But more often it was my survival at
stake: I'd be so stressed that a good scream seemed
the safest way to vent steam. And, hey, sometimes it
worked.
Yet afterward I'd feel bad. Aren't there better ways
to get kids to cooperate? I'd wonder. When a child
acts childish, isn't it my job to act adultish? And, I
realized, I was falling into the trap of
congratulating myself for "merely screaming," as if
refraining from physical abuse were anything more than
the minimum standard for acceptable parenting. |
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But what really convinced me I needed to change was
something that occurred when a friend and I were
playground-bound. As Lisa was strapping her toddler
twins into their car seats, her kindergartner started
shoving his younger sister. Lisa admonished
distractedly, "Conor, stop," but he kept right on.
Gruffly I barked, "Quit it, Conor!" Whipping around,
Lisa caught her son's shocked expression, then shot me
a look of utter rage.
I was mortified. With no conscious thought, I had
yelled at someone else's child. That's how automatic
my blistering responses to my own kids' wrongdoings
had become.
Resolving to reform, I read books, attended lectures,
took part in parenting workshops, and interviewed
child-rearing experts. And I learned a lot. |
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What's Wrong with It |
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For a start, it doesn't make kids behave. In fact, it
often has the opposite effect. "Studies show that
shouting excites youngsters," says pediatrician Nathan
Blum, M.D., of the division of child development and
rehabilitation at the University of Pennsylvania
School of Medicine, "so that they'll actually
misbehave more." If you shout at a 3-year-old who's
pummeling her brother, he explains, there's a chance
yelling might make her more likely to continue hitting
than if you had said nothing. "She's not being
defiant; she's simply reacting in a physical way to an
emotional stimulus."
What's more, children begin to tune you out at lower
decibels. They figure if mom means business, she'll
holler - and if she doesn't, why bother listening?
Worse, when kids aren't ignoring the tantrums, they're
imitating them. "Yelling teaches kids that the
appropriate way to communicate is to shout, and that
the more a person wants her own way, the louder she
should voice her demands," explains Barbara Coloroso,
author of Kids Are Worth It! Giving Your Child the
Gift of Inner Discipline.
One of the most disturbing things I learned was how
damaging unbridled rage can be. "When you shout," says
Coloroso, "no matter what you're saying, the
underlying message is that you don't respect your
child enough to speak respectfully. And that chips
away at his self-esteem."
Screaming also assaults a child's sense of security,
says Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D., professor of
psychology at Fairleigh Dickinson University. "It's
terrifying for a small child to see his parent, who is
so comparatively huge and so essential to his
well-being, getting wildly angry. The child fears that
you are a step away from hitting him or even leaving
him."
I could hear that fear in the voice of my 3-year-old,
who, after committing some transgression he knew might
set me off, would clutch my legs and gasp "Nice mommy,
nice mommy," as if by his protective mantra he could
make me actually be a nice mommy instead of a
screeching banshee. |
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Kick the Habit |
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You have to realize that it is a habit. And you have
to find ways to short-circuit your anger before it
gets out of control. |
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Identify your hot-temper zones |
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I
kept a log, and within a few days the pattern was
obvious. I'm most likely to go ballistic when: |
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Time is tight - the kids are dawdling and the school
bus is due in three minutes, or we're stuck in the
supermarket checkout and soccer practice has already
started.
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I'm trying to get something done - cook dinner or
talk on the telephone -- but the kids keep demanding
attention.
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The children are tired, and so am I - after a long
afternoon at the park, perhaps, or just before
bedtime.
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It
was a relief to discover this pattern, because it
meant my screaming wasn't simply a character flaw but
a sign that our family's schedule was out of whack.
"Work out routines that prevent predictable problems,
and you'll have far less need for yelling," promises
James Windell, a psychotherapist in Bloomfield Hills,
Michigan, and author of the forthcoming Children Who
Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes. |
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See yourself as your child sees you |
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Does she shriek at her dolls, like mommy? Tape one of
your outbursts (ask your husband to turn on the tape
recorder when you're unaware); you'll be stunned at
how strident you sound. Or ask your child to draw a
picture of you yelling. I cringed when I saw the
portrait my 5-year-old daughter produced: an enormous
woman with scowling brows, bugged-out eyes, a huge
black hole for a mouth, looming over three cowering
children.
But self-awareness is the first step toward
self-control, Dr. Schaefer assures. |
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Play voice-softening mind games |
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Most effective for me is Big Mother Is Watching. When
I'm headed toward a tailspin, I imagine there's a
witness - my mother-in-law or minister, my child's
teacher or future therapist. Then I try to deal with
the problem in a way that the witness would respect.
I stumbled on another mind game one day when I was
hoarse. Although I was unable to shout my usual
warnings, no one ran into the pond and drowned or even
smacked his brother silly. Actually, the day was
unusually calm. Now when I feel a fit coming on, I
pretend I've got sudden-onset laryngitis. |
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Heed your storm-warning signals |
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A
pounding head, tight chest, knotted stomach, clenched
jaw - these may mean it's too late for mind games.
"What's needed then is a time-out - for the parent,
not the child," says Windell. I try to escape into my
bedroom for 15 minutes of pillow-punching. But if
that's not possible, a quickie break (60 seconds of
deep breathing in the bathroom or a ten-time
repetition of "This too shall pass") can help me stay
calm. |
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Low-Volume, High-Fidelity Discipline |
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No
matter how valiantly you struggle to stop screaming,
you won't succeed unless you find other, more
effective ways to communicate and discipline. |
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Be less patient |
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In
an effort to be understanding, parents may let
misbehavior continue far too long, says Adele Faber,
cofounder of the Faber/Mazlish parenting workshops and
coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and
in School. "Darling, please don't draw on the wall -
Really dear, crayon is tough to scrub off . . . Come
on now, I'm getting annoyed . . ." Soon, says Faber,
you're so frustrated you explode, "That's it! I have
had it! I am taking those crayons away and that's the
last time you'll ever see them." Defuse that time bomb
by nipping problem behavior in the bud: "Hey, walls
are not for drawing on." |
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Get close |
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No
more yelling at kids from three rooms away. "Drop what
you're doing and walk to wherever they are," Coloroso
insists. "Proximity allows you to use eye contact and
facial expression, not vocal cord strength, to get and
hold your child's attention." Being the type-A type, I
had trouble with this advice - it seemed needlessly
time-consuming. So I pulled out a stopwatch, and guess
what? It took 97 seconds less to walk upstairs and
help my daughter locate her leotard than it did to
stand by the front door and shriek, "Hurry up, we're
late for ballet!" half a dozen times. |
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Speak firmly, not loudly |
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"It's fine to raise your voice a notch above your
normal conversational level to give it that command
quality," says Dr. Schaefer. "This lets children know
when they've overstepped the boundaries of acceptable
behavior." And be brief. "Don't use a paragraph when a
sentence will do. Don't use a sentence when a word
will do," says Faber. |
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Don't confuse commands with requests |
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"Would you like to set the table?" I asked my son.
"No," he answered. "Well, do it anyway!" I snapped.
Typical misconception, says Windell. "Phrasing a
command as a request may seem polite, but it confuses
the child who then thinks he has a choice in the
matter. Instead, state commands with civility but
without ambiguity." For the same reason, don't end a
request with "okay?" if in fact the request is not
optional. |
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Limit use of the word "now" |
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How often do you say "Wait a minute" when your
children ask you to do something for them? But when a
parent wants action, it's usually demanded now. "Ask
yourself if the task really requires immediate
attention. If not, set an acceptable deadline: "I need
you to put away your schoolwork before dinner, so we
can eat on the table," suggests Coloroso. Your child
will cooperate more readily if she can finish her
video game first, and you'll be less tempted to haul
her over the coals for procrastinating. |
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Let actions speak louder than shouts |
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Yelling is often a form of nagging; the same message
gets repeated again and again. "Yet if you state the
rule only once and then follow through, you won't need
to yell," Windell points out. Suppose your child is
smacking the coffee table with his plastic sword.
Calmly warn him, "Please stop, or I'll have to take
that away." If he persists, confiscate the weapon.
But avoid threats you'd be unwilling to make good on.
Shouting "If you don't put your bike in the garage,
I'm giving it to the Goodwill" either forces you to do
something you'll regret or weakens your credibility
when you back down. But suppose, in the heat of
battle, you do issue a foolish threat? "Admit you made
a mistake. Give yourself time to cool off and come up
with something that makes sense," Coloroso advises.
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Catch your child being good |
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We've all heard a hundred times how crucial it is to
praise children when they're well behaved. But I took
that message more to heart after taking my vow of
silence. Commending my kids not only reinforces their
good behavior, it also reminds me of how often they
are good, which makes it easier to keep my temper.
Not that I can say I never lose it anymore. Truth is,
there are times I'm pushed too far past the boiling
point to care about the new, nicer techniques I've
learned. In the grip of that anger, I want to howl,
and I don't care (at least at that moment) whom it
hurts.
But that's a rare event in our house these days. I
feel the difference in myself - a greater sense of
calm, competence, and contentment. And I see the
difference in my kids. Take last week when my
3-year-old insisted on pouring his own milk, then
spilled the whole jug on the floor. I took a deep
breath - not a prelude to a hurricane-force howl, just
a reminder to keep cool - handed him a sponge and
matter-of-factly helped him wipe up the mess. When we
were done, he put his arms around my neck and
murmured, "Nice mommy, nice mommy."
This time, I knew he meant it. |
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